


won't give up on us

by peterlovestink



Category: Video Blogging & YouTube RPF
Genre: Getting Together, I Blame Tumblr, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, M/M, Oblivious, On-Again/Off-Again Relationship, Prompt Fic, Slow Build, Stubborn Idiots, VidCon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-22
Updated: 2014-07-22
Packaged: 2018-02-09 16:35:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,047
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1989978
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/peterlovestink/pseuds/peterlovestink
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Don't I get a good night kiss?" Troye then blurts out, trying to make it sound like a joke but in reality it sounds more like a plea.</p>
            </blockquote>





	won't give up on us

**Author's Note:**

> I have moved onto Jason Mraz lyrics on titles. It just keeps getting worse.
> 
> Written to a prompt by an anon: Troye and Connor have an on/off relationship that started after a kiss in VidCon 2013, they finally officially get together during VidCon 2014. (I may have changed it a bit, but I hope it still works)
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own them, none of this ever happened, even though I wish it had, blah blah blah.
> 
> Find me on [Tumblr](http://happylittleconnor.tumblr.com)

_**2013**_

**VidCon**

 

Troye was feeling wilder than ever before in his life. He had just been to a party in a hotel room full of Youtubers, and there was alcohol and people grinding on each other and making out and he had been dancing for what felt like hours upon hours, his hands up high and his heart bumping in sync with the beat.

 

But then the party got shut down and everyone went to their rooms to get some sleep, because it was already three in the morning. And Troye should have gone, too, he knew that -- he had a long day again tomorrow, but he was still high on music and feeling free, so against his better knowledge he ended up at Connor's hotel room door.

 

Troye may or may not have been having wet dreams about Connor since he first met him at Playlist Live. He also may have been thinking about the boy way too much. Maybe he even daydreamed about him a bit. Nothing too alarming, Troye thought, just a teeny tiny crush.

 

It still might not have been his best idea ever to show up on Connor's door, knocking loudly, while he was clearly intoxicated and the older boy had probably been asleep for hours already, at least judging by the way he rubbed his eyes as he opened the door.

 

"Troye?" Connor asks, trying to open his eyes properly, like he wasn't sure he was actually seeing correctly. "Umm, what's up?"

 

"What's up is that we had a party," Troye slurs, smiling lazily (and probably looking like an idiot, he realizes later). "What's up is that you weren't there and I missed you and your face."

 

Okay, even drunk Troye realizes that might have gone a little too far. 'Your face', really, Troye?

 

Connor laughs at him, then makes enough room for him to come in. Troye does exactly that, walking straight to the bed and falling on top of it.

 

"Oh," Connor says behind him, his face red like he wants to laugh but is not sure if that's appropriate in the situation. Troye finds that adorable, and announces that out loud, too.

 

"God, Troye, you're like the worst drunk ever," Connor finally laughs, almost doubling over. Troye just grins back at him.

 

"Can I sleep in your bed? It's so soft," Troye asks, hugging a pillow, and makes Connor laugh even harder.

 

"Your room is like one floor down, so it probably has the same exact bed," he manages to get out between his snorts. "But yeah, I guess. I'll just sleep on the couch."

 

"Noooo," Troye whines, sounding like a little kid. "This is a big bed, we can both fit in it, right? I promise I don't snore or drool or kick or anything. I'm very nice person to sleep with."

 

Connor can't keep a straight face at that. "Yeah, I bet. But are you sure..."

 

"Just get in here," Troye insists, getting frustrated of all the talking because he would much rather be sleeping right now. He lifts the covers, and after a moment of hesitation, Connor climbs into the bed and gets under the covers, their bodies suddenly very close.

 

"You gonna sleep in your jeans?" Connor asks, blushing a little and only then Troye realizes he's still fully clothed.

 

"No, nope, no way," he answers, sitting up just enough to take his jeans and his sweater off. Then he makes himself comfortable again, positioning in a way that he and Connor are looking at each other.

 

"Don't I get a good night kiss?" he then blurts out, trying to make it sound like a joke but in reality it sounds more like a plea. Connor's eyes widen, almost comically, but before Troye can correct himself and tell him that it was just a joke, Connor is already leaning forward and his lips are touching Troye's.

 

Troye makes a surprised noise against his mouth, but then pushes forward, making the kiss forceful and quicker. Their mouths work in sync, their tongues slide against each other, and Troye's mouth has yet to catch up to what's happening. Like, he's actually kissing, no, making out with a boy, and the boy is none other than Connor fucking Franta? He almost pinches his own arm to make sure he's not dreaming.

 

Connor pulls off, smiles. "So..." he starts.

 

"That was cool," Troye says, and then he passes out.

 

He wakes up next morning with a terrible headache and alone. It's ten in the morning, and he's so late, and that probably explains why Connor isn't there, because he had a meet and greet this morning. Troye's just not sure why the other boy didn't wake him up.

 

He has things to do the whole afternoon, and then they are already in a hurry to leave, so Troye doesn't see Connor anymore before he leaves. He sends him a text, though, when he's sitting in the plane waiting for it to take off, telling him that the kiss was a lot more than cool. Connor doesn't answer, so Troye takes the hint and decides that's that then.

 

 

 

**August**

 

Troye doesn't talk or text to Connor, or Skype with him. He tweets him a few times, though, in a very vague, general way, congratulating him on something. Connor tweets back, but it all feels so different.

 

Troye doesn't care, obviously. It was just a little crush and one kiss that didn't mean anything.

 

 

 

**September**

 

Troye's scrolling through his dash on Tumblr when suddenly a notification from Skype pops up, telling him that Connor Franta is requesting a video call. Troye stares at it in shock for a moment, then figures fuck it and clicks 'accept'.

 

Connor's face comes up, he's smiling widely and Troye's heart hurts, like someone's squeezing it slowly, making him feel every bit of pain.

 

"Hiii!" Connor grins, and Troye can't help smiling back -- Connor has that effect on him.

 

"Hi, what's up?" Troye asks, and then remembers how Connor asked him that when they last saw each other, and how he answered. And what it led to. He cringes inside, but Connor doesn't seem to notice anything.

 

"I'm good, LA's a bit boring, though. I'm pretty much dying to get out of here," Connor laughs, but the laugh doesn't sound quite right, like he's faking it.

 

"Connor... Are you really good?" Troye asks slowly, carefully, like he's not sure if he's crossing a line or not.

 

The other boy tries to smile, but only manages a grimace, and then shakes his head. "I don't know, like I should be perfectly happy, my life is great and all, but nothing's just felt right recently..." He sighs. "It's complicated, I don't know how to explain it."

 

Troye smiles, a hint of sadness in his eyes. "Yeah, I think what you're talking about. It's okay, we all have those days."

 

Connor smiles, this time genuinely, though. They end up skyping for over three hours, and when Troye finally shuts down his laptop, he feels like maybe they are back to normal. He's not sure if he's glad about that or not.

 

 

 

**October**

 

[2:34am] _i can't sleep so i'm writing a song about insomnia and it's complete bullshit_

 

[2:36am] you just interrupted a very nice dream of mine. thanks.

[2:36am] so what's the song called?

 

[2:37am] _i have no life_

 

[2:37am] tell me something i don't know already, troye boy.

 

[2:38am] _ooo sassy and also no that's the name of the song_

 

[2:39am] oh.

[2:39am] you are so creative troye.

[2:39am] i am so proud to call you my friend.

[2:39am] my life wouldn't be complete without you.

[2:40am] did you hear the sarcasm all the way to australia?

 

[2:41am] _shut up you goose_

[2:41am] _i hate you_

 

[2:41am] goose? that the best one you can come up with?

[2:42am] no you don't, don't lie to me.

 

[2:42am] _remind me why do i keep you around again (also i never lie)_

 

[2:43am] bc i am incredibly hot. (and oh, you do)

 

[2:43am] _just because you want to fuck yourself doesn't mean everyone else feels the same way_

 

[2:44am] so you can honestly say you have never thought about having sex with me? haven't dreamed about it?

 

[2:44am] _no i really haven't_

 

[2:45am] liar, liar, pants on fire.

 

[2:45am] _shut up_

[2:45am] _are you like actually trying to sext me or what_

 

[2:46am] so what if i am?

 

Troye smiles widely at his phone, but doesn't answer. He kind of likes to keep them guessing.

 

 

 

**November**

 

Troye loves November in Australia, because it's just starting to get really warm again, and everything's green, and people start wearing less clothes and looking happier over all. It's a good month, okay.

 

But then he gets to experience November in London. Which means rain, so much rain, everything being grey and dark, and people feeling really sucky, spending most of their time complaining.

 

Troye's staying at Caspar and Alfie's place, and so is Connor, who flew to the UK to film some collabs, and unfortunately Caspar and Alfie don't have a spare room in their flat, so they both end up sleeping on the massive couch in the living room. Which is actually really nice, because the couch is fluffy and awesome, and they get the thickest blankets ever and wrap themselves in them while watching movies and drinking hot chocolate. That's the great side of November in London, apparently.

 

There's just one problem, and that's Connor. Connor, who is always there, laughing and making stupid puns and then ranting about the movie character who never gets anything or anyone and then he's crying in the middle of the movie, trying to hide his face behind a massive cup of tea and Troye thinks, fuck, I'm so screwed.

 

Because at some point between the kiss at VidCon and now, he had started falling for Connor, despite all of his efforts not to.

 

Troye excuses himself to the bathroom, ignores the weird look Connor gives him when he practically runs there and then frantically tries to lock the door, only succeeding with the third try, because his hands are shaking so hard. Then Troye leans against the sink, staring at himself in the mirror, his panicked, widened eyes and bright red cheeks. He's literally so fucked.

 

"You do not have feelings for Connor," he whispers to his own image, but even his mirror self doesn't seem to believe a single word of it. Troye lets his head drop, staring at the white sink and counting to one hundred. Then, when he feels a bit more collected and in control of himself, he splashes some water on his face, takes one last, quick glance at himself in the mirror and walks back to the couch.

 

Connors stares at him when he sits back down and gets under his blanket, but Troye just ignores him, trying to look like he's focusing on the movie even though every nerve in him is conscious about how close Connor is. It feels like every bit of him is screaming that they want to be even closer, that they need contact, and without even noticing it himself, Troye leans against Connor's legs, resting his head on the boy's knees. He realizes what he's done too late to just jump away without it looking really weird, so he just sighs and stays there. It may or may not be an excuse.

 

Connor's really warm, and Troye's getting sleepy, and somehow these two facts equal them cuddling. Troye has no idea how it happens, all he knows is Connor has his arm wrapped around him and he's comfortable and everything feels perfect. So he just smiles, presses little kisses to the back of Connor's hand and can feel the older boy smiling against the back of his head, too.

 

The next morning they go out for breakfast together, and after that they spend their last few days in London literally attached to each other. They laugh, shop, eat, film videos and watch movies, and Troye feels a bit like he's in the middle of a romantic comedy. Except for how they don't kiss, or declare their feelings to each other; they just are, and maybe that's enough for now.

 

They go to the airport together, their flights pretty close together, but Connor has to go first and Troye hugs him tight for like five minutes, refusing to let him go. He wants to kiss him, too, but isn't sure if that's okay, so he just pulls back and puts on a fake smile as he waves goodbye to Connor.

 

Thirty minutes later, when he's waiting for his flight to board, he gets a text from Connor.

 

[10:50am] the woman sitting next to me snores. miss you already.

 

Troye's pretty sure he pulls a muscle on his face, that's how wide his smile is.

 

 

 

**December**

 

Troye wants to get something for Connor for Christmas, but he has no idea what. He also doesn't have a lot of time, because they won't see each other after the Youtuber party on 15th of December.

 

He thinks about everything. He scrolls through every internet shop he can think about, but he doesn't find anything. What do you give to a guy who already has so much? He's starting to get desperate, only a few days left before the party, when they Skype for hours one night.

 

Connor's upset, feeling out of place in LA, missing his family and friends and Troye, quite frankly, even though he doesn't need to say it. He's clearly trying not to cry, and Troye's feeling hopeless, not knowing what to say or do. So, being the awkward person that he is, he starts to fool around, singing and dancing and basically serenading Connor.

 

He's feeling stupid, thinking this is probably the most embarrassing moment of his life, until he hears Connor giggling through the speakers, and sees him grinning, and he's grinning himself, too, because Connor feeling better simply makes him happy.

 

It's so weird, how easily they fit together, how happy they always seem around each other. Troye lies awake for hours after they stop skyping, thinking about it. Wishing Connor was actually there and not thousands of miles away. He's feeling a bit lonely, maybe, wondering if this is actually ever going to work, if it's even happening or if it's all in his head.

 

He can't sleep, so like a lot of nights lately, he starts writing lyrics on his phone, just playing with the words, humming at the same time. An hour later, he looks at the phone in shock, speechless. He thinks, holy shit, I may have just written a fucking great song.

 

There's no way he's sleeping now, so he starts singing the lyrics he's written, over and over again, trying to find the right melody and rhythm, gets his guitar and starts hesitantly trying different chords, trying to fit them together as one melody, one song.

 

By the morning he thinks he's got it, so he sets up his recording stuff and starts singing, "My happy little pill, take me away..."

 

\---

 

Three days later, at the Youtuber Christmas party, Troye hands Connor a CD. Inside the cover he has put a note: 'Wrote this thinking about you. I hope you like it.'

 

"Don't you dare open it before Christmas day," he says, and Connor promises not to.

 

"I got you something, too," Connor tells him after a moment, his hand shaking a bit, like he's nervous about something. "Or like, it's not exactly for you, it's not like a proper gift, but I hope it's still okay."

 

"Well, what is it then?" Troye asks, impatiently.

 

"Uhm, so, you know how you are going to San Francisco in February? I kind of arranged so I could come there, too," Connor confesses, blushing. "Oh, and Tyler's coming, too. Unless you don't want us there, which is completely fine, too, I just thought--"

 

Troye surges forward, almost making Connor fall as he throws his arms around the older boy and hugs him tight.

 

"That's going to be amazing," he whispers, and Connor squeezes him in even tighter.

 

\---

 

Because of the fucking time difference, Troye has to wait the whole Christmas Day before he gets to hear Connor's reaction to his song. He's nervous all day, trying to enjoy some family time, but can't really focus on anything. He imagines all the worst scenarios -- how Connor could hate it, how Connor could get freaked out by it, how he would text Troye that he's not actually interested in him that way...

 

So when he's phone finally beeps and he sees that it's a text from Connor, he almost has a heart attack. It takes him over a minute to calm himself down enough to actually read the message.

 

[8:56pm] the best christmas present ever. i love it so much i'm going to listen to it on repeat for hours now, so if i go crazy it's all your fault.

 

Troye laughs, sounding almost hysterical, that's how relieved he is.

 

[8:58pm] _if i go crazy it's also your fault, so i guess we are even_

 

That's as close to declaring his feelings as he is ready to get right now.

 

\---

 

There's five minutes left of 2013 and everyone's going crazy and there's so much noise that Troye almost doesn't notice his phone vibrating in his pocket. Thank god he does, though, because when he looks at the screen he sees that it's Connor calling and almost drops the phone, trying to press 'answer' as quickly as possible.

 

"Connnnn," he yells into the phone's microphone, and hears loud laughter from the other end. It makes Troye feel all warm and happy inside, hearing that voice, and he grins so wide that his cheeks start immediately hurting. He doesn't care, though, because of alcohol and Connor and Connor calling him. He doesn't care about anything but Connor. All things Connor - his face, his voice, his laughter, his fucking body...

 

Troye realizes he's let his thoughts trail off as he hears Connor ask: "Ok so how drunk are you, on a scale from one to ten?" That's a good question actually, but Troye just doesn't know the answer. He knows he's had a few, but he can't really focus on numbers now, when every bit of his brain is screaming about Connor and how the boy called him and how he's not there. He wishes Connor was there. It's two minutes to midnight, and Troye's scared, because it's going to be a new year and so much new things, and he's not sure if it's going to work out for him or if he's going to figure it out. He's scared that a year from now, he'll find himself in this exact same place, still confused and still lonely in the middle of a huge crowd.

 

"I miss you," he blurts out instead of answering, and pressing the phone tightly against his ear, he can hear Connor sigh.

 

"Yeah, same. I really wish I could have been there."

 

Connor sounds seriously upset, and no, that's not what Troye wanted. He wants the happy Connor who also makes him so happy, and then they can be happy together. For some time at least. Maybe forever. Troye's too scared of tomorrow to even wish for forever.

 

They are silent for a moment, but then the countdown starts from thirty, and Troye perks up. 

 

"Who are you going to kiss?" he asks, nervous for the answer.

 

Connor's silent for a few seconds. "I think no one, because I have no one here who I want to kiss. Sadly, they live on the other side of the world. Also, it's not gonna be a new year here for a while."

 

Troye smiles widely, because this is the first time Connor has ever admitted anything like that. The crowd chants "six, five, four..." and Troye says, "Well, I'm still gonna use my kiss on you," and when the clock hits midnight, he kisses his phone screen loudly. He hears Connor laughing hysterically through the phone, and thinks that, yeah, this is what he wants. Just with a little more time actually with each other, a little more physical contact, and this would be perfect.

 

"Happy New Year 2014, Connor."

 

"Happy New Year, Troye."

 

 

 

_**2014** _

**January**

 

Troye wakes up to a hangover and a text from Connor on the first day of the new year. The text says: "i may have kissed your picture at midnight. i am not ashamed of that."

 

That day at least twenty people ask him why he's smiling so much. Troye just shakes his head and smiles some more.

 

\---

 

A few weeks later, Troye is bored in the middle of the night, having trouble with falling asleep like usual. He gets his laptop, checks his social media and then logs in to Skype. He's only had time to check who's online when he gets a video call from Connor.

 

They haven't really had time to Skype lately, have mostly been exchanging few texts a day, just to keep up with each other. Connor's had loads of stuff to do with the O2L boys and Troye's just been writing songs, so much so that he's had stress headaches more in the last few weeks than in his life ever before.

 

"Hi Con-Con," he smiles to the boy on the screen. He's too caught up watching him that he doesn't realize he should be talking to the camera. "How are you?"

 

"I'm, I'm fine," Connor says, but he sniffs at the same time, and only then does Troye realize that the other boy's eyes are all red and he's clearly wiping tears off his cheeks. 

 

"Hey, hey, hey, what's going on? What's wrong?" He asks quickly, panic rising in his voice. He never knows how to react to Connor when he's upset, because the other boy so rarely shows that side of him. Like obviously Troye knows it's there, knows how insecure Connor can get and how down he feels sometimes, but it's just easy to forget when he's smiling most of the time while he's around other people.

 

"I'm... sorry. Sorry, I should have never called you," Connor mumbles, letting his head fall down.

 

"No, don't you dare apologize for this," Troye sounds almost angry, maybe a bit offended. "You don't get to be sorry for needing to talk to someone. Hey, look at me!"

 

Troye waits until Connor lifts his gaze and then looks straight into the camera when he speaks, imagining he's looking Connor in the eyes.

 

"I'm here. I know I can't be there, and that's one of the things that upsets me the most in my life right now, but I'm still here for you. And I'll continue to be here, no matter what you say to me. I know you think everyone's leaving you, that we all are going to just walk out on you someday, but I'm trying to tell you that at least I am staying, and you don't get a say in that. So you're going to tell me exactly why you're upset, and we are going to talk about it and figure it out, and I'm going to make stupid puns trying to make you smile, and at the end of this call, you're fucking going to smile. Okay?"

 

Connor nods, and they talk, and Connor does smile. When Troye finally goes to sleep, he's feeling more sure about this thing they have going on than ever before.

 

 

 

**February**

 

Connor and Troye are sitting in by the window in a small coffee shop, sipping slowly from their huge mugs in silence and sharing little, private smiles. They're in San Francisco at the moment, but they managed to escape from the others for a little while to have this... Well, Troye's afraid to call it a date, but that's probably the best word for it. They are not talking much, though, just enjoying the fact that, for once, they're even in the same country, let alone sitting at the same table, and it's pretty much perfect.

 

They finish their coffees and are on their way walking back to Troye's hotel when it starts raining. Troye curses, because he's only wearing a sweater, and knows that in less than two minutes he'll be soaking wet. Connor looks at him, hesitates, but then takes off his jacket and puts it on Troye's shoulders quickly, before the younger boy has time to resist.

 

"Connor, what the hell? You'll get so wet," Troye panics, trying to take the jacket off, but Connor makes it impossible, holding his hands on his shoulders. 

 

"You're the one who still had fever two days ago, so you're keeping the jacket. I'll live," Connor insists, and that shuts Troye up. He glances at Connor, giving him a grateful smile, and then they start jogging toward the hotel, trying to get inside as soon as possible. It only takes them seven minutes, but that's seven minutes too long, at least if Connor's hair has anything to say about it.

 

"Awww, look at it, you have a proper fringe! I'm sorry, but your quiff game is not strong today, Con-Con," Troye teases the older boy, who laughs and then grabs Troye by the waist, tickling him. They are both giggling, trying to catch a breath in the middle of their fooling, when they suddenly find themselves pressed against a wall, their faces so close their noses are almost touching. Troye breathes deep, trying to focus anything but Connor's lips but fails miserably. He looks Connor in the eyes, asking for permission, and then presses forward.

 

As soon as their lips touch Troye realizes that this is actually their first proper kiss, with them both being sober and them both knowing what's happening. Connor's answering the kiss enthusiastically, pushing Troye against the wall and getting even closer, their chests pressing tight together, Troye's shirt getting wet from Connor's soaked one against it. Connor has to stand on his tiptoes, and if they weren't kissing and Troye wasn't all out of breathe, he would laugh about it, but right now he has more important things to focus on.

 

The kiss is fast, hot, almost hungry, like they have both been waiting for this for so long that, when it finally happens, neither of them have any self-control left. Troye's hands are roaming against Connor's back, getting lower inch by inch until they reach the hem of his shirt and then trying to pull it, almost impatiently. The shirt's wet, though, and doesn't seem to want to work with Troye, so it just sticks tighter into Connor's back. Troye makes a frustrated noise, which makes Connor pull off, laughing.

 

"Troye, you do realize we're in a hotel's hallway, in public?" He giggles, pressing his forehead against Troye's shoulder, and Troye can feel the laughter vibrating through him. It feels nice, just that kind of closeness, and they stay there for a while, catching their breath. Then Connor lifts his head up to look at Troye, smiles and pinches his nose.

 

"We have a dinner to get to, and I think I really need to change my shirt, so we better hurry."

 

 

 

**March**

 

"So, Connor, what's this thing going on between you and Troye? C'mon, spill the beans."

 

The whole room freezes.

 

Troye and Connor are both at Playlist Live, and like always at YouTube conventions, all the British YouTubers and some others have packed themselves into the same little room, blasting music, vlogging and catching up with each other. And all other thirty YouTubers in the room are staring at Connor (and Troye) right now, having heard Tyler's question. Some of them even have their vlogging cameras in their hand, still recording, too shocked to stop.

 

"Tyler," Troye hisses, trying to continue but Connor interrupts him.

 

"Nothing, there's nothing going on. Just drop it," he stutters, his face flushed red, and the room stays silent as he gets up and walks off. Troye just stares after him for a few seconds, shocked, but then starts to get up, too.

 

"I'm just, I'm gonna go, too," he mumbles as he walks out after the other boy, trying to resist looking back to the others' reactions. 

 

He finds Connor sitting next to his hotel room door, looking up at the ceiling, his eyes a bit watery, like he's trying to fight off tears. Troye sighs as he slides down to sit next to him.

 

"So, are we going to talk about this?"

 

  
"There's nothing to talk about," Connor replies, with an empty tone, still staring up. Troye looks at him quietly for a while, sees how tight his jaw is, how he has his fingers in tight fists and how his whole body is tense. It makes him sad, to see him like this, to witness how hard this all is to Connor, and he understands, of course. It's not like he hasn't been confused and scared about it.  But, at the same time, he also needs something in this thing of theirs, he needs Connor to be able to talk about this with him and be honest, or Troye knows that this will end before it even starts properly.

 

"I get that this is new to you, yeah, but are you really just going to keep denying everything? Denying that there's something going on, that we kissed and you actually liked it, that you have feelings for a guy? 'Cause let me just tell you, that won't work. It will only make you hate yourself," Troye says, knowing he sounds a bit harsh but feeling like it had to be said.

 

"Yeah, maybe I'm going to do that. And to be honest, it's none of your business," Connor snaps, then getting up and walking off, again. Except this time Troye doesn't even attempt to follow. He just keeps leaning to the wall, trying to pretend that he's okay. He fails, if he's being completely honest.

 

\---

 

They don't really talk after that, but they still spend most of their time left at Playlist Live together. And when Troye goes to Los Angeles afterwards and stays with Tyler, they still hang out almost everyday. It's always with other people around, but it's still awkward. Troye doesn't really know why they don't just stay away from each other, but maybe they both realize they don't get to spend a lot of time together, so they make the best of it, even while being mad at each other. 

 

The last full day Troye spends in LA, Connor offers to take him to the airport, and he agrees, nervous about how they are going to react when it's just the two of them. But he wants to spend every last fucking second possible with the other boy, so he decides he just has to deal with it. It's like he physically needs to keep Connor around him, and he's not sure what that says about him, or them, or this thing of theirs.

 

The next day Connor picks Troye up and they are silent the whole ride to the airport. Neither of them says a word to each other besides "hey" before Troye has gotten his luggage out of the car and it's time to say goodbye. They stand there for a moment, both awkwardly staring at their feet, until Connor finally speaks.

 

"I'm sorry."

 

Troye's head surges up, his eyes finding Connor's, and he sees the genuine sadness in them, and something else, a little bit like want. Maybe need. Because that's what Troye feels like. He _needs_ Connor in his life,  _needs_ them to even try to make it work. So he nods, whispers, "it's fine", and pulls Connor into a hug, both of them wrapping their arms so tight around each other that Troye isn't even sure where he ends and Connor begins.

 

 

 

**April**

 

Troye is miserable. He doesn't see Connor for over a month, and he could never have imagined how much he would miss the other boy. They text all the time and Skype and call, obviously, but it just isn't enough. Troye busies himself with writing and recording songs, goes to what feels like hundreds of meetings, films videos and does all kinds of amazing stuff, but still the highlights of his days are when he gets texts from Connor. He ends up taking screenshots of all of his favorite ones and makes a new folder just for them.

 

Folder: so cute i literally can't

 

[4:56pm] i just filmed a q&a and someone asked if i have a crush on anyone on youtube and i answered it but then deleted it from the video because i don't want to share you with everyone yet

 

[2:30am] i can't sleep why won't you let me sleep

 

[2:34am] i know this sounds like a bad pick-up line but you actually keep running in my dreams i want you to stop please

 

[7:49am] your hair looked so perfect in your new video i wanna touch it

 

[12:27pm] why aren't you here

 

[6:58pm] i miss you so much i have lost my appetite it's your fault if i never eat pizza again

 

[4:23am] you literally are my happy little pill i don't know what i'd do without you

 

[4:24am] please never leave me

 

 

 

**May**

 

 A day before Troye is leaving to ItaTube, he decides he's gotten enough and sends a text to Connor, then sits nervously next to his phone for hours, waiting for a reply.

 

He's supposed to see Connor in London in less than two weeks, but that's two weeks more than he's ready to wait. So, after checking with Louis and the other guys that it's okay with them, he invites Connor to their trip through Italy. With three days of warning time. Without ever mentioning anything about it before. You can see why Troye's feeling a bit anxious about this.

 

But when his phone finally tells him that he's got a new text from Connor and he sees what it says, his smile couldn't be wider.

 

[2:37pm] just booked a flight to italy. see you in three days :)

 

\---

 

Their time in Italy is probably one of the best weeks of Troye's life. He and Connor spend so much time together the other guys start joking they're attached to each other by hip. The first time Joe makes that joke everyone goes silent for a moment, awkward, remembering how Connor reacted at Playlist to Tyler's question, but this time the other boy just blushes lightly and smiles. Troye takes that as a good sign.

 

Troye and Connor share a room the whole trip, always booking a room with two beds but actually ending up sleeping in the same one every night. They spend their nights curled up tightly against each other, their limbs in a mess, and some nights Troye lies awake after Connor has fallen asleep, just listening to his breathing, trying to get himself to believe that this is actually happening. He has to pinch himself more than once.

 

They don't kiss a lot, except for a few quick pecks every now and then, but Troye decides that he's okay with it. He's content with the physical closeness they have at the moment, the easiness between them. It's everything he wants except for sex and an official name to call this, so he figures it's good enough for now.

 

Troye's favorite part about the trip is probably when they're driving, which sounds probably crazy compared to all the amazing things they do on their trip. But, in the car, it always seems like they're in their own little bubble, free from the world's judgement and obligations and stress, just blasting the music and looking at the beautiful view.

 

Sometime, when they're in the car, and Alfie is sleeping and Louis is driving, focused on the road, Connor reaches out between their seats, grabs Troye's hand, links their fingers and squeezes gently, kind of reassuring, like he's trying to remind Troye that he's there, even though he's not ready to say it out loud yet. He's always looking out of the window when he does it but, when Troye glances at him, he can clearly see him smiling. It's ridiculous, and ridiculously cute, but it's them, so he doesn't really care.

 

\---

 

After Italy, spending some time in London and then in Brighton at Zoe's, it's time to say goodbye again. And they won't see each other for a month, and after spending almost two weeks together, every minute by each other's side, Troye's not sure how well he's going to handle being away from Connor for that long. He's still there, and it's already killing him.

 

So Troye locks himself in Zoe's bathroom for a long while, tries to reason with himself, repeating 'a month is not a long time' over and over to himself, but he still starts sobbing, unable to stop the tears from coming. When he finally comes out of the bathroom, walking back to Zoe, Alfie, Tyler and Connor, his eyes are red and puffy, and he's sniffing. Connor takes one quick look at him and then tells the other to wait a minute, pulling Troye to another room and closing the door behind them.

 

"You okay?" he asks, his hands hanging lightly on Troye's wait, like he's not sure whether he has the permission to do that, to touch Troye like that. Troye smiles at the bittersweet thought - he probably would never deny Connor anything, he's not even sure it's possible for him to say no to Connor. Not that he even wants to say no. He's not sure if that's a bad thing or not.

 

"Yeah, I'm fine. Just going to miss everyone so much," Troye says out loud when truly what he wants to say is that he's going to miss Connor so much. Connor seems to get it anyway, pulling him closer, lifting one of his hands to remove a tear from Troye's cheek with his thumb. The gesture is so sweet, so gentle, that it makes Troye sob even more.

 

"I know the feeling," Connor admits, kissing Troye chastely, with closed mouths. "But hey, we'll see each other at VidCon. It's only a month, I think we can live."

 

"Yeah," Troye nods, still not fully convinced about that, but trying to seem happier for Connor's sake. "See you at VidCon."

 

 

 

**VidCon**

 

Troye's more nervous than he's ever been before. More nervous than when he came out to his family, more nervous than when he uploaded his first video, more nervous than when he filmed his first movie or told the whole fucking Internet he was gay. This moment meant the world to him, and that made him so nervous, because this was something he had always wanted, something he had dreamed about since he was a kid, and now that moment was here.

 

He is fucking announcing his own ep. And a single. Like, what the fuck.

 

Connor is next to him, smiling so widely, rubbing his arm, probably trying to calm him down but actually making him even more nervous. Connor had been so excited about this for months, even more excited than himself, maybe, Troye thought, and had been so supportive about the whole thing. Troye's pretty sure he would have nothing to announce right now without Connor. He would have given up with this whole thing months ago.

 

There's a lot of YouTubers around them, all buzzing with excitement and telling him it's gonna go well, Tyler going through everything that's going to happen on the stage once again, but all Troye can really focus on is Connor and his warm body next to him, his fingers circling on his palm, stealing quick glances at Troye all the time. Troye really, really wishes he could tell everyone how much this boy means to him, because no one really knows or notices how much Connor is there for him, how much of Troye's happiness should be credited to him. He wants everyone to appreciate Connor as much as he does.

 

"Okay, time to go," Hannah finally announces, and Troye almost jumps in the air and faints at the same time. He feels like he's already sweating and his mouth feels numb and he's not sure he can even talk, fucking hell... He turns to look at Connor, his eyes wide, his whole body pretty much shaking, and the other boy sees the panic in his eyes and does the only thing that comes to his mind at the moment.

 

Suddenly there are lips against Troye's, and a body pressing against him, and a tongue licking inside his mouth and hands roaming on his back, and he forgets all about everything else and starts kissing back, pushing back against Connor with everything he's got. The kiss feels different than their earlier ones, filled with so many unsaid words and declarations, and Troye feels like he could drown in it, drown in Connor, and never wants to take a breath again.

 

His brains barely register the catcalls he hears, but they shake him up enough that he remembers where they are, and suddenly he realizes that Connor is kissing him in front of everyone. This isn't just a kiss, this is Connor telling everyone that Troye is his, and Connor is Troye's, and the realization makes the kiss feel even better, even more meaningful.

 

"Okay, this is cute and all, but Troye, we really need to go right now," Tyler says behind them, and that's enough for Connor to pull off. Troye's so dazed that he just stares at the other boy, not moving or talking, until Connor forces him to turn around and pushes him to the stairs that go up to the stage.

 

"Go get them," he says, smiling, and Troye forces his feet move forward, quickly looking back at Connor one more time before he steps on stage and the screaming starts.


End file.
